moving in: how soon is too soon?

Over the past few months my life in Melbourne has really started coming together; the city lifestyle is great, I’ve been granted a new and challenging job and my writing has gained a pleasing momentum. As well as all this and perhaps most significant to my newfound and apparently unwavering state of happiness, I’ve met a boy. I don’t typically like to write about my romantic life; I don’t want to bore you with the soppy details. Suffice to say that he is awesome and I am entirely smitten. And that brings me to the crux of this week’s post.

Recently this fellow’s housemate got a new job and is therefore leaving the place they share for something on the other side of the city. As a result, my partner has to find a new house mate or move into a place that’s more affordable. With the prospect of moving on the cards, the notion of finding a place together has presented itself much earlier in our relationship than it otherwise may have done. At first the comment entered the conversation very much as a throw away, proffered as an idle musing. But once spoken, the thought immediately began demanding more attention. So now I’m faced with a complex and entirely tricky dilemma: how soon is too soon to move in?

It’s irrefutable that the dynamic of a relationship is unavoidably affected by moving in with one another, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I suppose my concern is whether moving in prematurely can doom an otherwise hopeful relationship.

I have so many conflicting thoughts on this issue. On the one hand, I feel that if a relationship is good, it surely can’t be ruined or dependent on living arrangements. Also, if you like someone’s company, you owe it to yourselves to seize the day; life is short, after all. But on the other hand I wonder if the process of courtship and dating can be disrupted by the reality of domesticity, destroying a naturally blossoming love affair irredeemably.

Personally, I know I like this boy. A lot. And I am afraid of us inadvertently destroying something wonderful in our eagerness to be close to one another. I guess I’m worried that if we live together, he might grow tired of my company. Also, I want to be sure we aren’t leaping into such a big move based on the benefits of financial convenience. In this matter as in all matters, I am entirely and always on the side of love.


What do you guys think? Is there such a thing as too soon to move in? Have you ever prematurely moved in with someone and do you feel it destroyed your relationship? Or have you made this crazy call and lived with no regrets?

Let me know what you think; on this issue as with many, my mind is a mess bomb.


15 thoughts on “moving in: how soon is too soon?

  1. I think that if you doubt something, you cannot push it aside. I am not saying you doubt your relationship, but one thing i have learnt in the last few years of tears and heart breaks is that no matter how well you know or love someone, you cannot change their veiw of you, or make them love you. I think, why wait. If its meant to be it will be. How early is too early? How late is too late? Id rather regret the mistakes i made than the ones i didnt have the guts to do. Wishing you luck.

    • ‘I’d rather regret the mistakes I made than the ones I didn’t have the guts to do.’ You are so right. Everyone should live by this piece of wisdom. Ta for the advice. x

  2. I’ll tell you one thing – there’s no guarantees – whether you wait a month or a year or many more. I can say from my own experience that I moved in with my boyfriend after two months of going out together, and well, we’ve been married for 14 years this year. I’m not saying it was always peachy, and that we didn’t get completely sick of each other from time to time, but I think basically, we worked and I think we kind of knew that pretty early on, and that’s why it all panned out the way it did.

    And maybe, if all else fails, go with your gut…

  3. I’d say do it. If your relationship is meant to be, then moving in together with simply strengthen and enrich what you have now. As you both maintain you’re own interests, space and thus individual identity (a basic rule for a successful relationship in my opinion), it’ll be great! On the flip side if it doesn’t work out then it probably wasn’t ever going to.

    I say take the plunge, be truly vulnerable, it could be quite joyful 🙂

    • Ta for the optimism, Holly. : ) This is pretty much the advice I would give to someone asking this question. Of course, it’s always a bit different when you’re talking about yourself. Still, I think you’re right; it will either be the best thing, or it will bring to the fore why it was never going to work out in the long run. The only thing is, being vulnerable has always been hard for me. I need to get brave!

  4. Follow your heart, not your mind. No rules about love. What Holly said, plunge away! I fell in love with my roommate 18 years ago — we’ve been happily married for almost ten — he was worried if we became more than friends I’d tire of him and our friendship would end — luckily his worries were unfounded!

  5. If you both enjoy domesticity, then go for it. If your views on this differ, one or both will tire of the boring day to day stuff that rarely comes with ‘dating’. Things like the wet towel on the bed/floor, the inside out socks in the laundry basket, the toilet seat up, walking past the bathroom and smelling THAT SMELL, the drinking out of the milk carton, hitting the snooze button 5 times before getting out of bed, the 2 minute noodles when it his turn to cook dinner…

    From what I have seen of my past relationships and those of close friends is that it is the person that needs ‘romantic gestures’ to feel happy in a relationship that eventually finds discontentment in their homelife and day to day rituals. Moving in together is far from a picnic, and perhaps the fastest way to start taking one another for granted (which is not always a bad thing, just proves you know each other well and are comfortable). You either have to work hard to keep it ‘fresh and alive’ or enjoy the mundanity (or in my experience, a bit of both).

    When I moved in with my partner, my family as much as told him to his face that if I wasn’t pregnant he would not have been my type and they didn’t think it would work out. Its been the shortest 5 years of my life… 1 house and 2 children later our relationship is thriving. We often get comments from friends that we seem to have a lovely relationship and I think its because we have really good communication and we’re both really down to earth – we know what the other expects to feel cherished and respected, what they need to feel safe and secure and we do our best to make sure it happens and talk it out when it doesn’t. Lets face it when you have 2 kids under 5, a romantic gesture REALLY IS changing a soiled nappy without being asked, or having the children in bed early so you can push the furniture back and dance together while he seranades you with Billy Joel’s “I love you just the way you are”…

    If you think it will work out or you both want to try it then the only thing keeping separate dwellings will alleviate is the few weeks of awkward silence when one of you decides to move on… But hopefully this will not be your fate and you will enjoy every packed lunch you make for him.

    Best of luck. xx

    • I’m sure that when that tactless comment was made, your family thought they were speaking out of love. Further, I’m sure they’ve since expressed regret. We only want what’s best for the people we love. Obviously, we don’t always know what this is and sometimes a desire to protect can end in hurt feelings. It was a long time ago; to forgive is a liberating thing.

      Mat and I have decided to give it a shot and we’re quite excited. I have a wonderful feeling about this one, Meg. I suppose time will tell. We’ll be finding a place with a spare room, set up for when family and friends visit Melbourne. Something to keep in mind.

      I got a job at the Monash University, teaching the English component of the Foundations course for international students bridging into undergraduate studies in the following year. It’s in the heart of the city. The pay packet is very generous. I’m really stoked.

      Give me a call sometime, x

  6. Why dont you take his flatmate’s place for a while? (own room, own bed, own expenses). That way you can get to know each other more before, and if ,you feel the need to share a bed permanently.If it does not work out, at least you may still be able to stay there as a flatmate.
    All the best and good luck

    • This is such a good idea. The only problem is that his current place is forty minutes heavy driving out of the city, and I have just been granted a job in Melbourne CBD (hoorah!) It’s certainly worth considering, though. I’ll let you know how it all pans out!

  7. If your gut tells you that this is what you want, then I say go for it, but do proceed with caution. Have a backup plan in case things turn sour within the next few months. Besides that, there are no “rules” when it comes to relationships, only expectations. What matters is how you and your boy feel about moving in together, and if you both want it and it makes sense to you, then at least for now, it can’t be wrong.

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